we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
