Only a mothe r could love this liver
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
