for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
