Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
