my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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