Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
