im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
