My underwear smells like fireworks.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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