turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
