If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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