how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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