She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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