Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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