Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
