I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
