sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
