Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
