I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
