Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
