Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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