My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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