I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
