man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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