careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
