my phone needs a breathalizer
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
