Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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