That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
