The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
