Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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