Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
