Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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