Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
