life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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