I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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