I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
