I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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