Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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