i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
