She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry about my life...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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