at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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