We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
