you guys were way drunker than both of me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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