I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
