she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
