theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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