Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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