Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
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Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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