when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
