if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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