This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
