I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
