there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
