I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
