I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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