Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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