she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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