Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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