So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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