I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
